“The Month After Christmas”
- Shared by Cindy P.
'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Not a garment would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibble, the eggnog I'd taste
At those holiday parties went straight to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber)
And thought of the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way that I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
When I put on my extra-large husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt—
I said to myself, as only I can,
"You can't spend the winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip!
Go, fruitcake! Go, cookies! Go, cracker and chip!
Each last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have that ice cream, not even a lick;
I'll chew only on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or cornbread, or pie;
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore—
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
Laughter: good for the heart
- Shared by John Paul G.
A man driving a Volkswagen Beetle pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.
Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The
guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too . . . see?" the VW man says.
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?" asks the VW man.
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here," brags the VW man.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says,
"So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the VW man replies.
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done.
He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the VW Beetle. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the VW Beetle are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the VW Beetle.
The man in the VW Beetle finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"
"Check this out . . . I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
The VW Beetle man exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?"